Surry Hills man Michael Beattie, 27, was in emotional disarray after being forced to watch the perennial Christmas classic ‘Love Actually’ by his long term girlfriend Emily.
And he kept his disdain entirely to himself.
“I pride myself on being the strong silent type, but by god when Hugh Grant started dancing I thought “that’ll do me”. But I didn’t say a fuckin’ word,” said the magnificently stoic Beattie.
But in spite of what you may think, Michael Beattie is a proud feminist, and his reasons for disliking Love Actually are not what you may actually think.
Over to Michael:
“Let’s clear something up, right out of the gate: Love Actually is a bad movie.
There are serious problems with this film and the way that it treats its female characters. Without relitigating this issue, just think of the incidents of harassment, stalking and breathtakingly offensive misogyny going on in Love Actually.
Think of poor Keira Knightley, and poor Martine McCutcheon and poor, poor Laura Linney, who is such a victim of the patriarchy that she is unable to be perceived of as both a carer and a sexual being. F**k. That. S**t! Especially at Christmas time.
As Roxane Gay put it while talking about Pretty Woman, you can understand and realise the problems with a piece of pop culture and still enjoy watching it. So it was with Richard Gere and Julia Roberts, and so it is with Love Actually.
As you settle in one Sunday night, bottle of chilled Pinot Grigio by your side, ruminate on this: What is the best storyline in Love Actually? Or, rather, which of all the couples in the movie is the one that isn’t total and complete rubbish?
It’s not the lecherous Colin and his bevy of Wisconsin babes and his allegedly “big knob”, is it? (The lady doth protest too much, methinks.) It’s not the terrifying love triangle of Peter, Juliet and Mark, which rewards stalking and the plagiarism of Bob Dylan film clip aesthetics.
It’s not Jamie and Aurelia, who get engaged without ever having a proper conversation.
Funny though he may be, it’s not Prime Minister David and Natalie, with all of its fatphobic overtones and sexual harassment in the workplace. It’s definitely not Harry, Karen and Mia, a storyline so awful it brings me to tears just writing this sentence. And don’t even get me started on the egregious treatment of Sarah by Karl, by Harry and by everyone involved in the making of this movie.
That leaves us with three choices: Billy Mack and his manager Joe, the father/son relationship between Daniel and Sam (with Joanna thrown in at the end there), and Jack and Just Judy, the porn stand-ins.
I’m ruling Billy and Joe inadmissable on account of the fact that until the very end of the movie their plot line has nothing to do with love, actually, and everything to do with commerce, and Daniel and Sam (and Joanna) are very sweet but not exactly hook-it-to-my-veins high romance.
The only possible conclusion to make, when faced with the veritable buffet of bad couples in Love Actually is that Jack and Just Judy — the storyline with the least screen-time in the movie and the most gratuitous nudity — is the best one. Actually.
Least that’s what I think.”
Good for you Michael.
