Motivational Speaker Pat Fairhall has become world famous with just two pieces of advice.
Fairhall has overtaken the world. He now ranks up there with Tony Robbins and counts the Dalai Lama and Tony Blair as close his personal friends and commands audiences in the thousands.
Just four months ago Fairhall was on a steady diet of porn and Netflix.
“I was watching up to 17 hours Netflix a day. I even watched old episodes of Cheers, Mad About You, Frasier, MASH, anything. I didn’t care. It didn’t matter. Then it’d be onto the porn.”
“I was once meeting a girlfriend for breakfast who texted she was going to be late with, ‘just got to go ATM first’. I immediately thought ‘She’s got to go ‘Arse To Mouth?!’ That’s when I suspected I had a problem.”
“I was watching so much porn I got to know the actors by name and eventually counted them close personal friends. One day I got up to page 1000 on YouJizz.”
Congealed socks lay strewn over Fairhall’s one bedroom apartment.
“One weekend my Aunty and Uncle arrived from Dubbo spontaneously at my door. Naturally I offered them the spare room and asked what their plans were, and they said, ‘It’s your town we’ll do whatever you do on the weekend.’
“We lay in bed masturbating all weekend.”
“That was a personal low. Having said that, my Aunty and Uncle and I have never been closer.”
So what does this guru have to say?
Two simple things:
1: Don’t watch Porn.
2: Don’t watch Netflix.
His presentations go for precisely seven seconds. And men pay thousands.
I sit in an auditorium with hundreds of expectant devotees to this new brand of motivation.
I know the message and can’t wait. He graces the stage and is met with wide-eyed anticipation.
He fires up an overhead projector, flicks out a sheet which reads:
1: Don’t watch Porn.
2: Don’t watch Netflix.
He says:
“Thanks”.
There is a pause. Followed by a slow-clap which eventually reverberates around the room. It becomes deafening. It morphs into wild screams.
Fairhall exits stage. Job done. Again.
